Anxiety: 2 Negative Impacts on Relationships

Anxiety and relationships. It’s different than experiencing anxiety before a big speech, or after a big move or change. It’s also not always the same as experiencing anxiety in social situations. 

Sometimes, the anxiety someone experiences in relationships, comes from a very deep, vulnerable and sacred place. A place often referred to as ‘attachment’ by most professionals and therapist alike. 

However, it’s not always discussed in the therapy room with clients. Therapy continues along attempting to assist an individual with the fundamentals of anxiety theories and treatments such as, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Exposure Therapy, or other evidenced-based therapies. Yet, something is missing. Something isn’t alleviating the root and the anxiety continues to return time and time again. Eventually, the individual feels stuck, more ashamed, broken, and confused. 

They may think “What’s happening?” 

Attachment may be the answer. 

Attachment is at the very foundation of all relationships. It begins in childhood and progresses — or digresses — into adulthood. Depending on the security — or lack of security — experiences within relationships can be filled with — internal calmness — or internal chaos. 

Attachment scientifically wires our parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems for future experiences in relationships. If our experience was anything but calming, secure and stable. Our future experiences may be filled with fear, worry, uncertainty, shame, guilt, and yes, anxiety. — Relationships become associated with repeated fear. 

2 Ways Attachment Shows Up in Relationships Through Anxiety:

1. Anxious Attachment Style
   • Frequently worrying that your partner doesn’t really love you or won’t stay with you. 
   • Wanting to get close to others, not trusting that it will be safe or last.
   • Difficulty concentrating: frequently thinking about of focusing on your relationship.
   • Fear based thoughts such as ‘I’ll never find anyone else’, ‘I’ll always be alone’
2. Avoidant Attachment Style 
   • Uncomfortable with being close to others. 
   • Finding it difficulty to trust others completely 
   • Difficult to allow self to depend on others. 
   • Nervousness and fear when anyone else gets close. 
   • Other’s tend to want more closeness than you are comfortable with.
   • Fear based thoughts or focusing on partners imperfections such as the way they walk, talk, dress, eat etc. 

Attachments may begin in our childhood and our infancy however, attachment continues to play a major role throughout our entire lifespan and throughout all of our adult relationships. Unfortunately, anxiety in relationships isn’t always discussed in the therapy world, with regards to anxious attachments and it goes untreated or under-treated. The overarching notion continues to be ‘too much dependence in a relationship, is a bad thing’ and therapy goes on to assist the individual with self-soothing rather than attaching securely. 

If you or someone you know relate to the above, you may be experiencing relationship anxiety due to attachment anxiety. Asking your therapist about attachments and how it may be playing a role in your experience can assist with getting the right support. Our therapist at The Center of Life Counseling, in Orlando and Longwood, Florida focus on anxiety, attachment and relationship traumas. Call us to learn more or to schedule an appointment 407-476-1432