Anxiety Relief & Secure Adult Attachments

Anxiety relief comes in many forms. A simple google search will result in a variety of self-help techniques, therapies, medications and even guru’s who offer up their ‘best’ methods. 

When anxiety is stimulated, within relationships, it needs to be treated with the context of relationships considered. 

With that being said, we’ve previously discussed how anxiety presents within relationships through anxious and avoidant behaviors but, what do we do about it? 

Besides that, you may have heard of those ‘magic relationships’ or those ‘secure’ people who seemingly are not impacted by relationship insecurities, who can easily walk away when things are ‘not for them’. It may seem like a foreign language and unobtainable to those who relate to the fight flight or freeze – anxious responses – in relationships. 

However, what if it’s not so ‘magic’ after all. What if, relationship anxiety can be relieved through learning those very secure methods other’s seem to be born with?

Most importantly, Research on attachment styles has shown that attachment styles are often ‘stable’ yet, also plastic. Which means, over time, attachment styles are pretty set in stone but, with practice and commitment can also be changed. — Anxiety can be alleviated with security. 

What Does a Secure Attachment Look Like? 

• Being warm and loving in relationships comes natural. 
• Being intimate without becoming overly worried or fearful. 
• Not easily upset over relationship matters. 
• Effectively communicate needs and feelings to partners. 
• Strong emotional responsiveness to emotional cues of partners. 
• Ability to share successes and problems with partners. 
• Ability to be accessible to partners in times of need. 
• Open and accessible to dependency needs of partners. 
• Not worried about the future of the relationship or above partner’s ability to love them back. 
• A single conflict or fight is not a deal breaker. 
• Trusts that their partners will be caring and responsive. 

Relieving Anxiety & Becoming Secure: 

When we don’t have a ‘template’ for security. Reading about it on paper, or in a blog, we may tend to generalize and say “sure, we do those things” and it’s possible to have many secure qualities. However, it’s how you FEEL within the relationship that can be a key indicator that there are some areas that could use some security strengthening. Just like a car needs a tune up, relationships may need a tune up in security.

Here are a few secure relationship tips to practice:

1. Assertive Communication – anxiety causes us to fear expressing our needs and wants better yet, we may not fear communicating our needs and wants but, we may not have even been taught how to effectively communicate them. By spelling out your needs and wants clearly, your partner is more successful at meeting them. Nobody can read minds.  
2. Be Available – Respond gently and sensitively to your partner when they need support. Allow them to be DEPENDENT on you when needed. Yes, I said dependent. Dependency is security! Provide comfort when things go wrong for your partner. 
3. Don’t Rescue! – Trust that your partner has the strength and ability to manage without you. Support them in their journey, step in ONLY when they ask. If you see them struggling ask “How can I help?” or say “I’m here for you, if you need me.” — Don’t take over. 
4. Be Encouraging – Growth occurs when we experience enough discomfort in order to make a move or a change. Watching our partners discomfort can increase our own anxiety and we may want to ‘fix’ it for them. Leave it. Be supportive and encouraging to their personal growth. 

If you or someone you know find the above relatable, you may be experiencing relationship anxiety due to attachment wounds. Asking your therapist about attachments and how it may be playing a role in your experience can assist with getting the right support. Our therapist at The Center of Life Counseling, in Orlando and Longwood, Florida focus on anxiety, attachment and relationship traumas. Call us to learn more or to schedule an appointment 407-476-1432